It's about time I pay homage to probably the greatest reality/game show of all time. Ok, the reincarnation of American Gladiators a few years back was the greatest of all time ("Judge, Jury, Ginormous"). It's time we pay homage to the second best reality/game show of all time. Where else can you combine copious amounts of drinking, a bunch of physically...umm..."enhanced" Alpha-males scheming and running into each other a lot, and the distinct possibility that a lesbian three-some could break out at any second?
Nowhere, that's where.
It's Wednesday night, its 9:56 in the PM, and this year's challenge, "The Ruins," is about to start. And T.J. Lavin is about to say, "You killed it." Come along with me, let's watch together!
10:00 - Welcome to the show, new guy Chet. You have no idea what you're in for. And welcome back Cyrus, how's 40 treating you?
10:02 - Danny just explained to us the 45 love triangles to look forward to this season. Confusing. Amazing.
10:04 - The teams are split into "Challengers" and "Champs" this season. Or, "Pre-menopause" and "Post-menopause."
10:07 - Ridiculously awesome official show intro. The cast members couldn't possibly look harder in their traditional Thai garb. Except for chet and his thick black glasses. Enjoy the next 50 minutes Chet, it's been fun.
10:09 - Drunken pool party #1. Nine minutes into episode 1. Maybe a record for longest that's ever taken. Ooh and first glimpse of Tonya topless! Also a record.
10:13 - So Evan called Wes before they came on the show to ask if he was coming. Wes said no. Wes lied. Uh oh. Also, Kenny hooked up with Wes's (now ex)girlfriend on a previous challenge. She's there. Wes is there with new girlfriend, who previously dated Cohutta (yeah you read that right, Co-hut-ta). And my head just exploded. Let's get to some challenges already!
10:21 - Drinks, drinks, drinks. Tonya, Tonya, Tonya. She's "going through some things right now that are making me unstable." And now she's yelling at some poor girl because said poor girl is making fun of the fact that Tonya lives in Walla Walla, Washington. If you live in Walla Walla, Washington, how do you not think that's funny?
10:25 - "Zombieland" looks like the coolest Woody Harrelson zombie comedy in at least 15 years. Write that down, Oscar.
10:28 - Wes is upset about how his team is going to choose people to go into each duel. And his whole team hates him. So he's planning on blatently throwing challenges, even saying he'll "tackle teammates" if necessary. Odds of him getting punched in the next hour: 5-1 and dropping.
10:37 - Ooooh challenge time. A bunch of testosterone-fueled guys and girls climbing up a rope and the same time and ringing a gong at the top. People are getting stepped on left and right.
11:05 - Here's what you missed in the last half hour: 1) The first "Ruins" matchups were decided: Wes vs. Chet (it's been fun Chet), Tonya vs. Diem. 2) Tonya getting belligerent again...the night before her Ruins catfight with Diem. 3) Chet claiming to be "a tougher competitor than he looks" while wearing a black tank top and a purple bow tie. Better luck next time Chet.
11:10 - Chet is rocking his thick black glasses and purple bow tie in the Ruins. He's in trouble. Luckily, T.J. just explained tonight's game, and there's no physical contact between the guys. Chet has a chance! It look's like he's winning! Aaaand commercial break. Predictable.
11:15 - Speaking of predicable, Chet lost. Sad day for all Mormons. I'm gonna throw this out there: maybe don't wear a purple bow tie next time.
11:24 - Tonya pulls her collective ish together and beats Diem, proving once and for all that 18 shots of Grey Goose is the perfect night-before-the-event meal. Can't wait to try that one out.
11:29 - An epic, EPIC preview of the rest of the season. By the looks of things, Wes is going to fight every single guy on his team. Also, I think at some point Shauvon is going to pop an implant. I know this because Shauvon said "I think I just popped an implant." More fights, epic challenges, and yes, certainly some girl-girl hookups. Apparently they're a necessity.
And that's a wrap! Still waiting for T.J.'s first "You killed it!" of the season. Maybe next Wednesday night.
I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius,
Colin
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